Title: UC Spoof
Author: Jess
Rating: PG
Summary: how I dealt with trying to write UC
Authors Note: Every writer of Roswell fic thinks about writing UC at some point. I don't like UC that much - so as a challenge to myself, I thought I would just try it. This is the insane result! :)

Maria and Max stood gazing at one another. The moonlight made her skin glow a light blue.

Blue? Too Smurf-like...not blue. Maria's natural color returned. Maybe yellow. Yellow...GOLD! That's it, GOLD! Her skin was glowing like golden...what's golden?!

"Are you serious?" Max asked. "You do realize how trivial this part is?"

"Yeah...I mean, do I have to be a color?" Maria asked with a sigh.

"I'm setting the scene! Ugh...fine!" Jess threw up her hands in defeat. She looked up at the fake moon and blinked it out of existence. Suddenly they were in a black room with no noticeable windows or doors.

They moved towards one another slowly.

"Just a suggestion, but I've noticed that all other UC fics get to go faster than this...could we, maybe...?"

"Look, Max....this is MY story! Don't you two know anything?!"

"I know Michael and Liz are gettin nookie on all over the place and Max and I have like no UC fan base!" Maria said annoyed.

"True." Jess said nodding. "But you guys need to just work with me. You have to go slowly ‘cuz Max here is the sweet, gentle one. And Maria, you are the vulnerable cutie."

"Okay. I can see your point." Max said always being the rational one.

"Yeah, me too! But...can't we just, ya know..." Maria motioned with her hands.

Jess blinked and a bed popped out of thin air. "COOL!" Max exclaimed.

"Wait, I'm not done." Jess said pointing her finger at the sky.

"What the h-," Michael bellowed as he suddenly dropped out of thin air.

"Okay, what is going on with this? I thought we were gonna have a scene!" Max complained.

"I don't think there is enough jealousy in UC s! Its always just one big sex scene."

"Yeah and they always seem to be Michael and Liz!" Maria yelled poking Michael in the chest.

"Hey, I can't control these things!" He said holding up his hands.

"I'm so sure!" Maria countered.

"Hey! Stop! This is my story and I'll..." They didn't even hear her. Suddenly Jess closed her eyes and a giant bag of M&Ms fell into her hands. She began to pelt them with the candies.

"Hey!" They cried in unison.

"Look...Michael...just-just be jealous already!" Jess cried out.

"Michael...do we really want to get her mad? I mean she has a lot of power here." Max said quietly.


"Well what are you waiting for?" Jess asked rubbing her temples.

"Um...I kind of need a reason."

"Oh...yeah, right." Jess snapped her fingers and Max and Maria were locked in a deep kiss. Just before Michael could draw a breath Jess broke Maria and Max apart. "No! This isn't right!"

All three in front of her groaned. Suddenly Courtney was standing in front of Michael.

"Uh-uh! That is just WRONG, girl!" Maria exclaimed. Jess nodded and Courtney was nothing but a pile of dust on the ground. "Thank you."

"Okay, I don't see any good way to have a good UC fic with HIM here!" Max grated.

"Fine!" Michael became transparent and then disappeared altogether. "Now where were we? Oh yes." Max took Maria into his arms. Their lips were about a millimeter away from touching when they were jerked apart.

"What is it now?" Max asked getting irritated.

"Look, shirtless boy..." Maria started. "She is doing her best! Can't you tell something is bothering her?"

"Sorry. What's the matter?"

"I just don't feel right about this....I don't know if I can handle ground zero right now."

"UGH! Let me guess...we're gonna get another Polarism story!?" With that Michael and Liz stood in front of them. Maria and Max through up their hands.

"Nope. That isn't right either. I'll just stick with what I know!" Then everything was gone except Michael and Maria.

"‘Bout time Jess!" Michael said, looking ready to pounce on the blonde in front of him.

"Hold your horses -," Maria started.

"Spaceboy..." Jess added.

"Huh?" Michael asked.

"She always calls you Spaceboy! At least once in every story...."

"She's right." Maria nodded.

"Oh, okay."

"Hold your horses...SPACEBOY!" Maria stressed.

Jess laughed and rubbed her hands together. "Okay, now, lets get to work!"

The END :)